On becoming a dad again . . . at 67
“I didn’t think old people could have babies.” That’s what my 13-year-old granddaughter Molly said when her mom (my daughter) Lilla told her that Shonnie was pregnant.
When Lilla explained that it was only older women who couldn’t have babies, Molly reflected a moment, then replied, “I thought they were just going to have cats.”
And for approximately 12 years together, Shonnie and I figured we’d only have cats too. When we broached the topic of children, which happened fairly infrequently, Shonnie would typically say that she really enjoyed our life just as it was and didn’t want to do anything that’d change it. And I’d respond that I’d already partnered in bringing one precious life into the world, and that was sufficient for me.
However, as Shonnie reached her late 30s (37 to be exact), she wasn’t so sure about our position on this matter. In early 2009, we began to talk about the prospect of parenthood . . . during quiet moments in the evening, on trail runs and, sometimes, during our monthly family meetings. I wasn’t 100 percent sold on the idea, and though I maintained my ambivalence, it was apparent that Shonnie was beginning to lean strongly in the direction of parenthood. Together we decided that she’d go off birth control, and we’d let nature take its course. No plotting menstrual cycles, basal temperature or fertile periods; we’d just continue to have sex when the mood struck. And whatever happened was exactly what was meant to be.
As 2009 progressed I became more and more certain that my boys weren’t swimming as they once did, or perhaps something in Shonnie’s reproductive cycle wasn’t working quite right. Whatever. Consequently the notion that I might become a 60-something-year-old dad gradually diminished.
The year of 2009 had just run its course when on January 1, 2010, Shonnie walked out of the master bathroom holding something that looked vaguely like a thermometer and gleefully exclaimed, “I’m pregnant!” Shock, amazement, excitement, trepidation all washed over me at once. But it was impossible not to be caught up in Shonnie’s profound joy. And after a deep breath, I took her in my arms and joined her there.
Upon learning Shonnie and I were becoming parents, the response from friends and family has been overwhelmingly supportive. Yet I sense a few folks are wondering about the advisability of a 67-year-old man fathering a child. Well, don’t think I haven’t spent some time thinking about that myself. And after some serious contemplation, here’s my response.
From the beginning of our relationship in 1996, Shonnie and I have made conscious choices that fit for us regardless of the conventions and dictates of our culture. To wit:
- We have chosen to live our lives together even though we have an almost 30-year age difference.
- We left a wonderful life in Austin and moved to Asheville because we had a strong sense (and it has proven to be true) that it would be easier to be who we’re meant to be in this unique little city in the southern Appalachians.
- We have chosen a life of voluntary simplicity and forego the consumerism that our culture promotes.
- We have chosen to follow our true callings rather than working to make lots of money to buy more stuff we don’t really need.
- We have chosen a spiritual path outside the bounds of traditional religion.
- With Shonnie’s unwavering support, I heeded the call to serve as a field organizer for Barack Obama’s presidential campaign in 2008 even though my fellow staff members were all in their 20s (I’m pretty sure I was the oldest Obama organizer in the nation.).
And now we’ve made another conscious choice outside the bounds of conventional wisdom; we’ve chosen to have a child even though I’ll be 85 (hopefully a hearty, energetic, spirited 85) when he or she turns 18.
Out of this choice, it’s clear to me that I’m being called to be more of who I really am, to love more deeply, to become more generous, to work more diligently to create the kind of world that I want to leave behind for my children and their children.
And should I leave this mortal form before Shonnie (and odds are that I will), I’ll be deeply thankful that our child will be there with her after I’m gone.
Friday, March 26th, 2010Eulogy for Granny D
Dennis Burke’s Eulogy for Granny D
Dublin, New Hampshire, March 14, 2010
Thousands of news services, from Peterborough to Bangkok, from personal diaries to the New York Times, have reported these last few days on the life and death of Doris Haddock. In her life, she did not cure a disease or end a war. She did not write ten symphonies or do whatever normally occasions such notice. So what did she do? It is worth thinking about in this moment.
If people no longer spoke aloud, or if they no longer looked at things with their own eyes or through their own thoughts, if they let others do those things for them, then they would take it as unusual if one among them suddenly spoke up and dared see the world independently, describing without filter or permission the vivid colors and true conditions of the world.
It is difficult to understand why a lady from New Hampshire who did little more than take morning walks–though she sometimes did so without coming back for several years–should be so lionized in death, unless we also consider what has become of the world around her that made her exceptional by comparison. She is seen as exceptional perhaps because the rest of us have become a little too reticent, a little too slow-moving, in response to these times of high challenge.
A thousand people have told me that, when they reach her age, they want to be like Granny D. I have always agreed with them, but we have had it a little wrong. We must not wait until we are 90 or 100; we have to be, even today, a little more like Granny D. Our challenges will not wait for us to age. (more…)
Wednesday, March 17th, 2010New member of Lavender-Mulkey family due to arrive in early September
We’re writing to share some very exciting and possibly surprising news with you. We’re pregnant!
Well, technically just Shonnie is pregnant. And we are expecting our baby to arrive on or around September 5. Shonnie is now through her first trimester, is feeling well and is adjusting to a body that seems to change every few days. Bruce is envisioning how we’ll create a nurturing space in our 
home for our new arrival and calculating his age when our baby is 18 (a very young-at-heart octogenarian).
A little back-story: At the beginning of 2009, we decided to stop using birth control and, doing nothing extraordinary, we’d see if we got pregnant. We weren’t adamant that we must have a child, yet we were open to bringing one into our lives if that’s what was meant to be. Given our ages we figured that the odds might be long on such an occurrence . . . but here we are!
We are full of excitement, joy, and anticipation for what we believe will be an amazing, heart-opening and life-affirming adventure for us, our child, and all those who support us as you do. We’ve created an intention for our journey that we invite you to join us in holding.
Intention
We intend to gratefully and gracefully receive this gift of new life into our lives and our family. We will honor the responsibility we’ve been granted and savor the joy of this pregnancy and the parenting experience. We will nurture this growing life with love, attention, tenderness, strength and joy, creating a healthy, easy, and joyful pregnancy as we wait for baby’s birth. We will open ourselves to growing even more fully into who we were meant to be, and we will support our child to grow fully into he or she is meant to be. We intend to trust Life and nature as well as the wisdom we each carry within. We will also do our best to foster community throughout this process—both to support us on this journey as well as to forge deep connections in this world that will soon be welcoming a new member.
We’ve written more about how baby came to be and will be posting updates from time to time at the Lavender-Mulkey Baby Blog (http://lmbaby.wordpress.com). We hope you’ll want to stay in touch via the blog since it’s the most convenient way for us to communicate with all of our beloved friends and family . . . now and in the months to come.
Thank you for the connection that we share. We send you our love and our gratitude for your presence in our lives.
Shonnie & Bruce
Shonnie Lavender & Bruce Mulkey
828-778-2871 (S)
828-778-5155 (B)
Lavender-Mulkey Baby Blog
P.S. Since we purposefully live a simple lifestyle and endeavor to keep our consumerism in check, we plan to acquire excellent-quality, used baby gear. Thus, if you know of any good resources for this or have baby-related items that you want to sell or give away, please let us know.
P.P.S. You’re welcome to share this news with anyone who might be interested.
Saturday, March 6th, 2010
