Maybe it’s just the post-holiday letdown. Maybe it’s the aftermath of the upper respiratory ailment I’m finally getting over. Maybe it’s turning on the TV news, hoping to find that we’ve awakened from our national nightmare of fear and retribution only to discover stultifying stories about Martha Stewart, Michael Jackson and Britney Spears. Or it could just be the phase of the moon. Whatever it is, I’ve been singing the blues for the past few days and can’t seem to rouse myself from my despondency.

I tell myself to be OK with where I am; just lean into the blahs and eventually all will be well. I tell myself that everything is working out just as it should, that Frodo will surely throw the Ring into Mount Doom just in the nick of time and the forces of light will triumph over the forces of darkness. And I tell myself to just let go and trust the process. But faith in the dawning of a new day has not come easy of late.

To find some relief, I’ve turned to my surrogate president, Jed Bartlett (Martin Sheen) on NBC’s West Wing. Knowing that I’m a great fan of the show, my wife, Shonnie, gifted me with a set of DVDs containing all 22 of the episodes from the first season. While we were recuperating from the viruses we’d both had over the holidays, we embarked on a West Wing marathon, watching two to three episodes per night. In case you’re not familiar with it, the series chronicles the challenges of a liberal New England governor who runs an insurgent campaign for the Democratic presidential nomination, wins it, then is elected president of the United States. The stories are filled with drama, pathos, passion and humor and provide a sense of what political (and personal) life might be like in the White House.

In one particularly poignant episode, President Bartlett agonizes over the political, legal and moral consequences of commuting the death sentence of a federal prisoner convicted of murder. Within a matter of hours, the prisoner is due to be executed, and Bartlett receives counsel on the matter from a Quaker, a Jew and finally, a Catholic priest. During the conversation with the priest in the Oval Office, the press secretary slips a note to Bartlett; the prisoner has been put to death. As ethereal music rises in the background, a somber President Bartlett takes a knee, crosses himself and begins confessing to the priest. “Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.” Fade to credits.

I wept openly at the conclusion of this episode, for the anguished president of the series . . . and for myself. Out of this cinematic experience I unearthed a deep yearning, a personal longing for a leader of our great nation toward whom I felt a real connection, a commander-in-chief whose actions I respected even when I didn’t agree with them, a president I trusted to tell me the truth, even those realities I might not want to hear. I can assure you that I do not have this sense about the current occupant of the White House, a man of common abilities, fundamentalist beliefs and a willingness to say whatever he thinks will get him re-elected. Nor do I hold much affection for the previous president, a man of uncommon abilities, vacillating beliefs and a willingness to say whatever he thought would keep him in office. In fact, I’d have to go all the way back to Kennedy and Eisenhower to find presidents I resonated with. Of course, this could be chalked up to youth, naïveté or simpler times. Regardless, it’s become clear to me that this is the moment in my life to shift from what I don’t want toward positive action on the issue of national leadership. I’m not saying I’ve got to find an infallible candidate to get behind. Just give me a man or woman with integrity, honesty and wisdom who pledges to do his or her best for all of the people, not merely those who can buy influence in a political arena overwhelmingly biased toward those with the means to do so.

So, I resolve in this New Year, to pull myself out of the winter doldrums, to remember that after the darkness comes the light. In the year 2004 I resolve to give my all to elect a president who is a true public servant and who is committed to the greater good. In the history of our young nation there may never have been a more important time to do so.