Gracelyn is 13 months old today!
Gracelyn turns 13 months old today and has attained a number of milestones:
- At her 12-month check up, Gracelyn weighed 19 pounds, six ounces (20th to 30th percentile) and was 30 inches long (80th to 90th percentile).
- She’s now walking quite well and made it all the way from our mailbox
back to our home yesterday, a walk of at least 200 yards. - Gracelyn has a vocabulary approaching 10 words, including cat, ball, mama, dada, baby, peeka-peeka (peek-a-boo) and bye-bye. She even strung her first (and so far only) sentence so far—“Mama bye-bye.”
- She also uses a number of signs, including eat, more, all done, nurse, potty, hat, flower, good-bye, throwing kisses and no. She can also sign for spider, frog, and fish, and she says “moo” if you ask her what sound a cow makes.
Like most parents, we think our child is absolutely remarkable. Gracelyn is a funny, perceptive, observant, curious, engaging, trusting, compassionate, secure, resilient, self-possessed, fearless child who makes what she wants very clear. And not that we don’t hit bumps from time to time, but times with her are typically playful and fun-filled. She has a great sense of humor and laughs and squeals with exuberance when she’s delighted about something.
Gracelyn also enjoys playing with her collection of balls—throwing them, kicking them, rolling them back and forth to us. And she is enthralled with our 
feline family members, crying out “cah, cah” and walking over to pet them whenever they come in from outdoors. Bandit, Desmond and Kaali have been extremely loving and patient with Gracelyn as she’s learned how to gently express her love toward them. She revels in her bike rides with Shonnie. And Gracelyn really loves peek-a-boo—with us, with the cats and even with strangers.
Like her parents, Gracelyn is also a book person. She enjoys picking out books for us to read to her and she spends time looking through her books by herself. She and Shonnie read several books each evening as part of their bedtime ritual. We’re very fortunate to have a huge collection of children’s books—gifts from friends and relatives, some from Shonnie’s childhood and many from Shonnie’s mom, Cora Sue, who was a teacher and aspiring children’s book author.
Some of the things we’ve learned in the past 13 months
- Babies thrive when they are physically and emotionally close to their parents, especially their mothers, and this is very important early on. It’s the way humans and other mammals have done it for hundreds of thousands of years, that is until we started intellectualizing parenting and designing ways to be with our offspring for our own convenience.
- Babies do best when they sleep with their parents, snuggled up nice and close. And, no, we have no fear of rolling over onto Gracelyn. We’re very aware of her presence even when we’re sleeping.
- To be strong and healthy, babies do best with the sustenance that’s perfect for them—mama’s breast milk, and they need it on demand, not
on some contrived schedule. However, early on Gracelyn also wanted to eat what we were eating at mealtime, so with a few exceptions, that’s exactly what she now gets (in addition to the usual breast milk). - Babies dislike sitting around in wet and poopy diapers. For that reason, we taught Gracelyn to signal when she needs to use the potty, and she usually roams around at home bare bottomed.
- Babies and toddlers need to explore their environment, even when the parents are uncomfortable with it. This includes putting almost everything they come across in their mouths to see how it tastes and feels. Among other objects, Gracelyn has had river rocks, mulch, acorns, grass and weeds and dry cat food in her mouth and (to the best of our knowledge) has swallowed none of it.
- Crying indicates that there is a need to be met—hunger, too much/too little stimulation, fatigue, etc.—and we want Gracelyn to know that we are trustworthy, loving, caring, reliable and intend to respond to her needs as soon possible. Thus leaving her to “cry it out” is not an option.
Of course, we’re also learning about the complexities of living as a triad rather than a dyad. But more about that in a later post.
Friday, October 7th, 2011Treat your children well
Your children are not your children,
They are the sons and daughters of life’s longing for itself.
They come through you, but not from you. And though they are with you,
They do not belong to you.
~Khalil Gibran
Treat your children well
When Rev. Howard Hanger, Minister of Ritual at Jubilee!, baptizes a baby, his evoking charge to the parents is the highlight of the ritual for me: “Will you raise this child to be the person God meant her to be, not the person you think she should be? If you will, say ‘I will.’”
Many of us have unfulfilled dreams and visions, and if we are not conscious of these aspirations, we may pass them on to our kids in the vain hope that they might live out our forsaken dreams for us. On the other hand, we may just want what we consider best for our child. Yet what we consider best might not be.
Each child who enters the world is unique, each with her own special gift. Our job is to love and respect them unconditionally just as they are, open the door to as many opportunities for growth and awareness as possible, then let them spread their wings and fly. We don’t have to tell them what to do or how to be; they already know much better than we.
* * *
“Treat your children well” is an excerpt from my soon-to-be-published book Happiness Now! Gracelyn’s baptism at Jubilee will take place on May 29, 12 years (minus one day) from the date Howard Hanger, along with our friend Ken Kinnett, performed our marriage ceremony.
Monday, April 11th, 2011Breathing new life into my purpose
“What is your purpose in life?” the guardian of the gate at the men’s retreat demanded.
“To work toward a more compassionate, just and sustainable world,” I immediately replied.
“You may enter!”
I guess I’ve known why I’m on this planet for 15 years or so,
And at first I organized workshops that encouraged folks to wake up,
To get off automatic pilot,
To live and love more fully.
Later I took to writing,
Hundreds of op-eds for a variety of publications,
On peace, simple living, climate change, treating our children well, the connection between us all,
Taking a few potshots at George Bush and his pals in the process.
Next I endeavored to shift the course of our nation by working for worthy candidates,
As a field organizer for Obama in Ohio in’08,
As a campaign adviser for Cecil Bothwell’s victorious campaign for the Asheville City Council in ’09,
And as the communications director for Patsy Keever’s successful race for the North Carolina State House in ’10.
And now on the final day of 2010,
I sit down to reflect on how I’ll help bring about,
Compassion, justice and sustainability in the coming year.
I call out to Life: “I am your instrument; I am ready; show me the way.”
And when I get no response, the relentless planner in my head jumps into overdrive,
Maybe I should complete my book on happiness . . . or my essay on gay rights,
Or I maybe I should go to work in the 2011 city council campaign . . . or the 2012 presidential race.
But Life finally answers my plea with the joyful giggle of a 16-week-old baby girl.
And immediately I understand,
This is my mission, my purpose in life:
To honor the sacred responsibility of consciously parenting this lovely, loving, loveable child,
To love Gracelyn unconditionally,
To trust my intuition,
To allow her her independence,
To be fully present with her . . . moment by moment by moment.
With Shonnie, to create a safe, secure, loving, fun, enlivening space,
In which Gracelyn is empowered to grow into exactly who she is intended to be.
Thus we three begin our 18-year meditation retreat . . .
And I follow my breath as I change Gracelyn’s diaper,
I buckle her into her car seat, and I breathe,
I gaze into her brilliant blue eyes . . . and I breathe.
As she cries and I wonder what to do . . . again, I breathe.
And something imperceptibly shifts . . .
Within Gracelyn, within me, within the universe,
And nothing will ever be the same again.
Lavender-Mulkey family’s year in review
Click the “play” button on the photo to see our 2010 Year in Review slideshow & our New Year’s wish for you.
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The birth of Gracelyn Lavender Mulkey
This blog post was written by both of us (Shonnie and Bruce). Shonnie’s words come from the diary she’s keeping for Gracelyn and are italicized and indented.
I awoke around 12:30 a.m. on Monday, September 6 with my first notable contractions. I was delighted to know that we were officially beginning your birth journey. For the next few hours I lay next to your Daddy as the contractions came and went. Around four o’clock (a.m.), however, I went into the nursery . . . Our two boy kitties—Desmond and Bandit—kept vigil with us, sleeping on the floor near the ottoman on which my legs rested.
When I woke later on, Daddy got up too and as he has all throughout this pregnancy, did everything he could to care for and comfort me. He made me creamy wheat cereal which would turn out to be the last solid food I would have.
[ . . . ]
We decided to call Mayari (our birth doula) and say we were ready for her support, especially since contractions were about a minute long and five-or-so minutes apart. She arrived around 3:00 p.m. and was a great comfort. . . . Mayari and Bruce read me affirmations, walked with me, massaged me and did lots of other things to help you and me progress in this journey.
[ . . . ]
Around 8:00 p.m. or so, I decided I wanted to go to Mission, the hospital where you would be born. Daddy called Dr. Lisa (our physician), who talked with Mayari, and we decided to meet up around 9:00 p.m.
Shonnie’s labor progressed slowly—a long and arduous process. In addition, she was nauseous and couldn’t keep anything solid down, which lowered her energy level. According to this powerful, athletic woman who’s trained for and successfully completed several marathons and extremely challenging trail races, “It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done . . . and the most rewarding.” At Mission Hospital, Dr. Lisa continued checking Shonnie’s progress throughout the night. And while dilation and effacement were gradually increasing, getting to 10 cm. dilation and 100 percent effacement for birth to take place was still a somewhat distant goal.
Mayari filled the tub as your Daddy supported me to labor in bed. The water felt wonderful and I labored there for a couple of hours. I was able to get into different positions, including belly down, and labored with lots of vocalizing and visualizing . . . The nurses—first Pamela, then Sheila—were incredibly supportive too, providing coaching and encouragement right alongside your Daddy and Mayari.
I continued to have nausea and vomiting and by now it had been about 24 hours since I’d kept down any solid food. Exiting the tub, I was supported over to the bed where I collapsed shaking and shivering through my whole body. . . . I felt exhausted. When Dr. Lisa checked me again, I was closer, yet not making progress to match my efforts. At this point I felt truly overwhelmed. My body and spirit were working as hard as they knew how, yet I was afraid I couldn’t physically endure more labor with the nausea and lack of food.
It was really difficult for me as Shonnie’s contractions became more frequent and challenging to deal with, especially when she began to run out of energy. At this point I found myself silently but fervently praying to any deity that might listen—God, Allah, Yahweh, the Universe, Life, the Big Kahuna, whoever—“Please lighten Shonnie’s load and give some of it to me.” But, alas . . .
I wept unconsolably and told Dr. Lisa that I was afraid that the only way you (Gracelyn) could be born was by Caesarean. . . . Dr. Lisa comforted me and reminded us of some other tools we could use—an epidural to numb me from the waist down and allow me to get some much needed rest and pitocin to strengthen my contractions and get my cervix to fully open.
Dr. Lisa also told me how hard this process was for your Daddy, who wanted to do whatever was possible to ease my labor. Your Daddy and I held each other crying—in part for sadness in needing to use these drugs, in part for our love and unconditional support for each other, and in part for wanting to make the best decision for the three of us.
Though we’d planned to forego the assistance of drugs, the epidural allowed Shonnie to rest and gain the strength she’d need for the pushing stage. It’s clear to us that this was the proper course of action. Progress began to take place more rapidly after the epidural and the pitocin were administered. In addition, Mayari and Sheila moved Shonnie into a position in the bed that encouraged our baby to move from a posterior position to an anterior position and, thus for baby to move more easily down the birth canal.
Finally all the pieces had come together, and I was almost completely dilated and fully effaced. As Dr. Lisa, Mayari, Sheila and your Daddy gathered around my hospital bed, Amazing Grace (by Judy Collins) played from our computer, and we all began to sing. It was a sacred time as we got ready to welcome you. The time was very near!
The birth itself was truly a sacred moment. Life bursting from the womb. And the expression on Shonnie’s face when we immediately placed Gracelyn on her belly . . . words can’t really express Shonnie’s passionate joy and delight. I realized and announced, “It’s a girl!” And once the umbilical cord had stopped pulsing, I cut it, allowing Shonnie to pull Gracelyn closer and embrace her fully.
Dr. Lisa encouraged me to give the pushes my full effort, and soon your head was outside my body. I reached down and felt you for the very first time. I was elated and amazed! With one more contraction, you popped out, and your Daddy and Dr. Lisa caught your strong, pink body and placed you up on my belly. You cried lustily and I too wept with wild joy, jubilation and thankfulness that you had made your way into our lives.
I know I’m not the first person to make this observation, but if it were up to us guys, I’m pretty sure our species would have reached extinction thousands of years ago. Being with Shonnie as she lovingly, graciously and purposefully carried our child was a revelation in itself. I don’t think I’d have had the willingness or fortitude to do that. But more than that, the manner in which she courageously persevered during labor and birth . . . I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn’t have displayed her heart and tenacity. I stand in awe just remembering her gutsiness and her intentionality in bringing our child into the world. I am blessed and honored to be her partner in life and in raising our baby girl.
Our care team 
We want to express our profound gratitude for our care team during labor and the birthing process—Dr. Lisa Lichtig, Mayari Waymouth, our birth doula, and the Mission nurses, especially Sheila. We’ll be forever grateful for their generosity of spirit and loving support.
Dr. Lisa Lichtig, our family physician who is midwife trained, was available for consultation by phone from the moment Shonnie’s labor began. Then Dr. Lisa arrived at Mission Hospital shortly after we did and remained there for approximately the next 30 hours, until the birth of Gracelyn and our transfer to the Mother-Baby Unit. She, of course, was on board with our desire for a natural childbirth, and she was there to provide wise and compassionate support when medical alternatives were necessary for the labor to progress and to give Shonnie some relief. I have never witnessed such a combination of deep caring, gentle humor and medical skill in all my days (and that’s quite a few days).
Mayari Waymouth, our birth doula, was also available for consultation by phone from the time labor began. Mayari joined us at our home mid-afternoon, accompanied us to the hospital that evening and was with us every moment until Gracelyn was born with the exception of a couple of visits to the cafeteria to get us and herself some food. A birth doula is a person trained and experienced in childbirth who provides continuous physical, emotional and informational support to the mother before, during, and just after childbirth, and it was obvious that this work is Mayari’s calling. She was loving, intentional, focused and present in the moment. She was ready and willing to perform any task we asked of her. And at the same time she was lighthearted and a delight to be with. We couldn’t have asked for more from this powerful young woman.
With a few minor exceptions, our experience of the nurses and other care providers at Mission Hospital was beyond reproach. They had gotten a copy of our birth preferences in which we indicated that we wanted a natural, sacred experience, and they were on board with our desires in this regard. Of special note was Sheila, our nurse in the Labor and Delivery Unit. Sheila knew that we attended Jubilee as she had previously, and her powerful spirit, calm demeanor and knowledgeable support were essential during the most intense part of Shonnie’s labor and during Gracelyn’s birth. Sheila even stayed with us after her shift had ended to make sure all post-birth details were handled impeccably. Service above and beyond the call of duty.
Unyielding support of friends and relatives
We’ve said this before, and we’ll likely say it again numerous times: It really does take a village to raise a child. And we are so fortunate to have such generous relatives and friends who have been there for us in ways too numerous to name and who were holding us in their consciousness and their hearts during Shonnie’s labor and the birth process. The profuse outpouring of love, acknowledgement and celebration was a joy to behold, and let us know that our community was definitely delighted by the arrival of our little girl.
Gracelyn Lavender Mulkey
We’d talked about Grace as a possible name for our child in the final weeks of pregnancy. And we discussed Lavender as a middle name if she was a girl, with Mulkey as the last name (We also thought that Mulkey might be a boy’s middle name with Lavender as his last name.). The day after Shonnie had given birth, Dr. Lisa came by to check Momma and Baby out and said that the name Grace had come to her on the drive home after the delivery. Then early the next morning gazing at our nursing child, a name popped into Shonnie’s head: “Oh, you’re Gracelyn!” And that was that.
Needless to say, we are totally enthralled by Gracelyn. She is a good-natured, loving, lovable child who readily let’s us know when she wants something (usually breast milk, a diaper change, more/less stimulation or a blankie). She’s taken to nursing with reckless abandon. And since she’s sleeping with us, at night all Shonnie has to do is align her breast with Gracelyn’s mouth, and let the feeding begin. Well, it’s not quite as easy as that, but Shonnie really is enjoying being with Gracelyn in this intimate and time-honored way.
Since we’re cocooning and getting accustomed to our new way of life, you may not see much of us or hear from us that frequently for a while. Just be assured that we feel your presence and look forward to introducing you to our little girl when the time is right.
Monday, September 20th, 2010We’re in the home stretch now!
Well, tomorrow (Sunday, September 5) is our due date, and we’re prepared. The nursery is ready, our home is well-organized and clean, the refrigerator is stocked with easy-to-prepare foods, our bags for the hospital are packed and, yes, the email to relatives and a few other folks is back in the “Drafts” folder ready to be sent . . . for real this time.
In anticipation of the big day we’ve read the books, taken a childbirth class, participated in a breast feeding class, toured the hospital, conferred with our doctors and doula regularly, chosen our birth preferences (as natural as possible), prepared the feline family members, been blessed by Rev. Howard Hanger and our fellow Jubilants and received and responded to good wishes from friends and relatives throughout the U.S. and beyond.
So, now we wait. As some of you may know, I am not a particularly patient man. I like to make things happen. And I’m pretty good at it. This is not one of those times, however. Baby arrives when he or she is ready by releasing a hormone that starts labor and the birth process.
FYI, when labor begins for Shonnie, we’ll stay at home for a while, and Mayari, our doula, will join us here for support. Once labor becomes more pronounced, we’ll all head for Mission Hospital, which is very momma/baby/dad friendly. One our physicians (either Dr. Lisa or Dr. Susan) will join us there, and a Mission nurse (who’s on board with our birth preferences) will also become part of our team.
I trust that Shonnie instinctively knows what to do as does Baby. My job and our team’s will be to be there for Shonnie—physically, emotionally and spiritually—for this sacred event while having faith in the process.
Once Baby is born, he/she and Shonnie will be inseparable, skin-to-skin, and nursing will commence soon thereafter. After a short stay at the hospital, we’ll head for home where Shonnie will rest for several days before attempting to do anything other than just be with Baby. We’ll do our best to get word out to friends and family about the birth, but communication may be inconsistent during this time.
For the first month, we plan for just the three of us to spend time together, getting to know one another, bonding, enjoying one another, deciding on a name (first, middle and last). So you may not be seeing much of us until sometime in October.
It’s already apparent that Shonnie is going to be a marvelous mom. In fact, the joyful, conscious, loving, devoted manner in which she’s carried our child is a testament to the way she’ll mother Baby after he/she arrives. And until then, we relax, share dinner and movie (perhaps the last opportunity for the two of us to go out for a while) and anticipate our little bundle of joy’s arrival during the coming days.
[Cross-posted at The Lavender-Mulkey Baby Blog]
Saturday, September 4th, 2010Born to be a mama
Well, we’re in the home stretch. At 37 weeks, Baby Lavender-Mulkey is now considered full term. The arrival of our little bundle of joy is no longer out there somewhere; in fact the due date is only three weeks away. However, it’s actually a due month, since birth could take place any time between August 22 and September 19. Yikes, time to get that bag packed for the hospital!
Now that the changes we’ve made to make room for Baby are almost complete, our earlier thoughts of needing a bigger home seem a bit foolish at this point. Our friend Cecil helped hang some cabinets, create some shelves and make additional storage space, and Shonnie’s done a fine job of organizing and decorating the nursery. If you know Shonnie well, you know that she’s found a place for everything and everything is in its place.
It’s been intriguing (and sometimes amusing) to observe the various perspectives of friends and relatives regarding the path we’ve chosen and the manner in which we’ve undertaken it. Almost everyone continues to be extraordinarily supportive—physically, emotionally and spiritually. Yet every now and then, I get a sense that someone doesn’t really “get” the choices we’ve made. But then, we’re doing this because it fits for us regardless of what might work for someone else.
If a doubt ever arises about bringing a child into the world, all I need do is look at Shonnie and my mind is at ease. It’s clear to me that Shonnie was born to be a mama. From the graceful way she moves (yes, even as she rolls herself over to get out of bed); to the joy, excitement, love and intention with which she’s carried our child; to the curiosity and serenity with which she anticipates the birth process, it is clear to me that this is the path we were meant to take together.
Shonnie says that Baby is our teacher, and I’ve already gotten verification of this. A few days ago, I was feeling the anticipation of the birth that’s upon us, and I suddenly realized that this is the way my Mom and Dad, Sue and Mack, must have felt as my birth approached. I’d never really comprehended that, and when I told Mom, she confirmed my hunch. The powerful love and deep devotion that she expressed toward me and my siblings reminded me of the extraordinary loyalty a lioness feels toward her cubs, an instinctual impulse to fight to the death to protect them. And my guess is that Shonnie’s parents felt very similarly about her arrival into their lives.
A second realization came to me out of the exceptional generosity of those around us. I don’t think I’ve been very consistent about acknowledging the special events in other folks’ lives, especially the profound experience of bringing a new life into the world. I hereby commit to doing this differently going forward.
Monday, August 16th, 2010We are what we eat.
Big news! The British medical journal The Lancet reports that consumption of the artificial food coloring and other additives (sodium benzoate in particular) found in soft drinks helps create hyperactivity in kids. What’s more, these studies don’t even take into account the 12 teaspoons of sugar found in each 16 ounce serving of Coke, Dr Pepper or 7-Up.
And it’s not just hyperactivity that’s an issue when excessive amounts of soft drinks are consumed. Consider the comments of nutritionist Judith Valentine, PhD, CNA, CNC:
We as practitioners and advocates of a healthy life-style recognize that consuming even as little as one or two sodas per day is undeniably connected to a myriad of pathologies. The most commonly associated health risks are obesity, diabetes and other blood sugar disorders, tooth decay, osteoporosis and bone fractures, nutritional deficiencies, heart disease, food addictions and eating disorders, neurotransmitter dysfunction from chemical sweeteners, and neurological and adrenal disorders from excessive caffeine.
Since 1978, the consumption of soft drinks in the U.S. has tripled for boys and doubled for girls. And get this: Males aged 12 through 29 consume over 160 gallons per year, nearly two quarts a day.
The soft drink industry spends billions in advertising annually and manufactures enough of its sugary products to provide more than 52 gallons to every man, woman and child in the United States. And most of us evidently don’t have the discernment or self-restraint to refrain from gulping down our share.
There is a perilous experiment taking place in the U.S. right now. How are our bodies, minds and spirits ultimately going to react to the junk food and additive-laden cocktails we’re fueling ourselves with?
The Lancet results are merely a harbinger of what’s to come.
Resources for healthy eating
Saturday, September 8th, 2007
