Happy 40th birthday, Shonnie!
Who would have guessed the path we would travel together when we committed to one another 15 years ago? First of all, we have supported each other to discover and fully live our life’s purpose. And in doing so, you became a coach and I became a writer.
In addition, we ran the equivalent of four marathons, moved from Austin to Asheville, consciously chose a simpler existence, wrote a widely-acclaimed book, created our home as our sanctuary, adopted three feline family members . . . and lost four others.
And most extraordinary of all, at your urging, we brought our darling Gracelyn into the world, giving you the opportunity to fully express your unconditional love, wisdom, generosity and patience as well as the willingness to provide Gracelyn the nurturing, support and space to grow into exactly who she’s meant to be.
I love you with all my heart, all my soul and all my spirit and look forward to the blessings of our family’s next 15 years together.
—Bruce (better known around here as Dada)
Wednesday, December 28th, 2011Gracelyn is 13 months old today!
Gracelyn turns 13 months old today and has attained a number of milestones:
- At her 12-month check up, Gracelyn weighed 19 pounds, six ounces (20th to 30th percentile) and was 30 inches long (80th to 90th percentile).
- She’s now walking quite well and made it all the way from our mailbox
back to our home yesterday, a walk of at least 200 yards. - Gracelyn has a vocabulary approaching 10 words, including cat, ball, mama, dada, baby, peeka-peeka (peek-a-boo) and bye-bye. She even strung her first (and so far only) sentence so far—“Mama bye-bye.”
- She also uses a number of signs, including eat, more, all done, nurse, potty, hat, flower, good-bye, throwing kisses and no. She can also sign for spider, frog, and fish, and she says “moo” if you ask her what sound a cow makes.
Like most parents, we think our child is absolutely remarkable. Gracelyn is a funny, perceptive, observant, curious, engaging, trusting, compassionate, secure, resilient, self-possessed, fearless child who makes what she wants very clear. And not that we don’t hit bumps from time to time, but times with her are typically playful and fun-filled. She has a great sense of humor and laughs and squeals with exuberance when she’s delighted about something.
Gracelyn also enjoys playing with her collection of balls—throwing them, kicking them, rolling them back and forth to us. And she is enthralled with our 
feline family members, crying out “cah, cah” and walking over to pet them whenever they come in from outdoors. Bandit, Desmond and Kaali have been extremely loving and patient with Gracelyn as she’s learned how to gently express her love toward them. She revels in her bike rides with Shonnie. And Gracelyn really loves peek-a-boo—with us, with the cats and even with strangers.
Like her parents, Gracelyn is also a book person. She enjoys picking out books for us to read to her and she spends time looking through her books by herself. She and Shonnie read several books each evening as part of their bedtime ritual. We’re very fortunate to have a huge collection of children’s books—gifts from friends and relatives, some from Shonnie’s childhood and many from Shonnie’s mom, Cora Sue, who was a teacher and aspiring children’s book author.
Some of the things we’ve learned in the past 13 months
- Babies thrive when they are physically and emotionally close to their parents, especially their mothers, and this is very important early on. It’s the way humans and other mammals have done it for hundreds of thousands of years, that is until we started intellectualizing parenting and designing ways to be with our offspring for our own convenience.
- Babies do best when they sleep with their parents, snuggled up nice and close. And, no, we have no fear of rolling over onto Gracelyn. We’re very aware of her presence even when we’re sleeping.
- To be strong and healthy, babies do best with the sustenance that’s perfect for them—mama’s breast milk, and they need it on demand, not
on some contrived schedule. However, early on Gracelyn also wanted to eat what we were eating at mealtime, so with a few exceptions, that’s exactly what she now gets (in addition to the usual breast milk). - Babies dislike sitting around in wet and poopy diapers. For that reason, we taught Gracelyn to signal when she needs to use the potty, and she usually roams around at home bare bottomed.
- Babies and toddlers need to explore their environment, even when the parents are uncomfortable with it. This includes putting almost everything they come across in their mouths to see how it tastes and feels. Among other objects, Gracelyn has had river rocks, mulch, acorns, grass and weeds and dry cat food in her mouth and (to the best of our knowledge) has swallowed none of it.
- Crying indicates that there is a need to be met—hunger, too much/too little stimulation, fatigue, etc.—and we want Gracelyn to know that we are trustworthy, loving, caring, reliable and intend to respond to her needs as soon possible. Thus leaving her to “cry it out” is not an option.
Of course, we’re also learning about the complexities of living as a triad rather than a dyad. But more about that in a later post.
Friday, October 7th, 2011Truly a Gentle Man: The Life and Times of Mack Mulkey
During his life, Mack Ross Mulkey was a son, a student, an athlete, a lover, a husband, a soldier, a father, an engineer, a manager, a coach, a grandfather, a mentor, a concerned citizen, a community leader, a gardener, a great grandfather, and perhaps, most of all, a gentle man. This is not an attempt to chronicle all of Mack’s life or to tell his entire story. It is an attempt to describe who Mack Mulkey was and how he affected our lives, in our words and, occasionally, his.
EARLY YEARS
Mack was born to Leta and Dunham Mulkey on February 19, 1922 in Fort Worth, Texas. He grew up in Fort Worth, occasionally living with his grandparents, John and Helen Clayton, (better known as Papaw and Mamaw) on their farm east of the city. Belva Clayton, a relative, sometimes resident of the Clayton home, and chronicler of the Clayton family history tells the following story in her book Thomas Nelson Clayton: His Descendants, His Ancestors.
This man (John Clayton) had the greatest zest for living of anyone I ever met. . . At one time he owned a big red dog named Rover. Rover certainly was not unusual, just a big old dog, but we liked him. Rover took sick and died. Uncle John, Roe Junior, Mack Ross and I took the dog down into the okra patch to bury him. While Uncle John was digging a hole for the burial, he casually remarked that we shouldn’t just bury Rover, but that we should have some sort of service; so, Roe Junior recited a poem, and Mack Ross sang The Eyes of Texas are Upon You and Cheer Boys, Cheer. Uncle John and I were the mourners.
Mack’s mother, Leta remembers Mack as a child in this manner.
Oh, he was a wonderful little boy. . . He didn’t play ball or anything like that very much. He was a real good boy. He didn’t chum with a whole bunch of boys. He was just real quiet and real good.
Dunham Mulkey retired from the duties of fatherhood when Mack was still an infant. Dunham later died of a heart attack at the age of 36.
My mother said that he (Dunham) never really realized he was married. He just went about his bachelor ways. . . . At the age of two, they (Leta and Dunham) divorced, and . . . I went to live my grandparents, the Claytons.
–Mack Mulkey
As a teenager, Mack lived with his mother in Dallas, earning money delivering newspapers. He graduated from North Dallas High School in 1939. Mack did not distinguish himself as a student, but he loved sports and played baseball, football, and basketball at every opportunity. After high school, Mack briefly attended the University of Texas at Austin and played baseball there. (more…)
Sunday, June 19th, 2011Lavender-Mulkey family’s year in review
Click the “play” button on the photo to see our 2010 Year in Review slideshow & our New Year’s wish for you.
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“Christmas in the Trenches,” a song of peace by John McCutcheon
John McCutcheon’s evocative song, “Christmas in the Trenches,” is based on a true story about how peace broke out one Christmas during World War I. For me, this song is about the love and compassion within each of us that we are somehow more willing to express during this season of the year.
The lyrics are below. And you can buy the book Christmas in the Trenches with a CD of John singing the song by clicking here.
Christmas in the Trenches
By John McCutcheon
My name is Francis Tolliver, I come from Liverpool,
Two years ago the war was waiting for me after school.
To Belgium and to Flanders to Germany to here
I fought for King and country I love dear.
‘Twas Christmas in the trenches where the frost so bitter hung,
The frozen fields of France were still, no Christmas song was sung,
Our families back in England were toasting us that day,
Their brave and glorious lads so far away.
I was lying with my messmate on the cold and rocky ground
When across the lines of battle came a most peculiar sound
Says I, “Now listen up, me boys!” each soldier strained to hear
As one young German voice sang out so clear.
“He’s singing bloody well, you know!” my partner says to me
Soon one by one each German voice joined in in harmony
The cannons rested silent, the gas clouds rolled no more
As Christmas brought us respite from the war.
As soon as they were finished and a reverent pause was spent
“God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen” struck up some lads from Kent
The next they sang was “Stille Nacht,” “Tis ‘Silent Night’,” says I
And in two tongues one song filled up that sky.
“There’s someone coming towards us!” the front line sentry cried
All sights were fixed on one lone figure coming from their side
His truce flag, like a Christmas star, shone on that plain so bright
As he bravely strode unarmed into the night.
Soon one by one on either side walked into No Man’s land
With neither gun nor bayonet we met there hand to hand
We shared some secret brandy and we wished each other well
And in a flare-lit soccer game we gave ‘em hell.
We traded chocolates, cigarettes, and photographs from home
These sons and fathers far away from families of their own
Young Sanders played his squeeze box and they had a violin
This curious and unlikely band of men.
Soon daylight stole upon us and France was France once more
With sad farewells we each began to settle back to war
But the question haunted every heart that lived that wondrous night
“Whose family have I fixed within my sights?”
‘Twas Christmas in the trenches, where the frost so bitter hung
The frozen fields of France were warmed as songs of peace were sung
For the walls they’d kept between us to exact the work of war
Had been crumbled and were gone for evermore.
My name is Francis Tolliver, in Liverpool I dwell
Each Christmas come since World War I I’ve learned its lessons well
That the ones who call the shots won’t be among the dead and lame
And on each end of the rifle we’re the same.
* * *
Jet, a poem by Tony Hoagland
Jet
Sometimes I wish I were still out
on the back porch, drinking jet fuel
with the boys, getting louder and louder
as the empty cans drop out of our paws
like booster rockets falling back to Earth
and we soar up into the summer stars.
Summer. The big sky river rushes overhead,
bearing asteroids and mist, blind fish
and old space suits with skeletons inside.
On Earth, men celebrate their hairiness,
and it is good, a way of letting life
out of the box, uncapping the bottle
to let the effervescence gush
through the narrow, usually constricted neck.
And now the crickets plug in their appliances
in unison, and then the fireflies flash
dots and dashes in the grass, like punctuation
for the labyrinthine, untrue tales of sex
someone is telling in the dark, though
no one really hears. We gaze into the night
as if remembering the bright unbroken planet
we once came from,
to which we will never
be permitted to return.
We are amazed how hurt we are.
We would give anything for what we have.
Forgiving our fathers
On this Fathers’ Day . . .
On this Fathers’ Day, what if we decided to finally forgive our fathers
For being too soft or too hard
For always being there or rarely being present
For holding us too close or never holding us at all
For smothering us with love or withholding it as reproval
For wearing their feelings on their sleeve or expressing only anger
For being generous in their criticism but meager in their praise
For the perpetual safety net or ample rope to hang ourselves
For telling us what to do yet not sharing how to be
For saying “You can be anything,” or “You can’t make a living doing that”
What if, on this Fathers’ Day, we finally release these and any other real or imagined transgressions
And honor our fathers for the blessings they provided and for loving us the very best way they knew how
* * *
I wrote this and first posted it for Fathers’ Day 2009.
Saturday, June 19th, 2010Jubilee! A Call to Life!
Below is an essay about Jubilee! by Avery Shackelford for her Introduction to Religious Studies course at St. Andrew’s-Sewanee School in Sewanee, Tennessee. Avery is the granddaughter of Mimi Shackelford, who has been involved with Jubilee! since the beginning and who made the lovely fabric wall hangings that adorn the interior walls at Jubilee!. By the way, Avery recently graduated after receiving an A+ on her paper.
Jubilee! A Call to Life!
By Avery Shackelford
In the mountains of North Carolina there is a place where hands come together to work, pray, create, celebrate, and love. These hands belong to the members of “a unique Community of Faith”1 called Jubilee!. Jubilee! is an inclusive community filled with people of many different religious backgrounds and beliefs, and as Minister Howard Hanger states, “Diversity is our middle name!” The people in this community, who refer to themselves as Jubilants, live up to their namesake as they personify all of the word jubilant’s synonyms including joyful, exultant, and exuberant. In a place where love is given out as freely as candy at a parade, there is certainly much to be jubilant about.
Jubilee! has a mission to make their community and the world a better place. In 1989, when Jubilee! first got its start, the group donated ten thousand dollars to organizations both locally and world-wide to feed and shelter the hungry and homeless.2 Today, Jubilee! annually donates about thirteen times the amount they gave out in their first year; as Mimi Shackelford says “Our goal is to give half of what we take in.” Among the agencies that receive from Jubilee! are Habitat for Humanity, Meals on Wheels, and Boys & Girls Club. Service based ministries in Jubilee! include “Outreach” whose mission is “ministering to needs of others through the appropriation of our outreach dollars” and “The Service Team” who “locates and facilitates ‘action oriented, hands-on projects’ that benefit those in need.”3 One unique way in which Jubilee! helps lend a hand is through their “Room In the Inn” program, “a local program of Homeward Bound, sponsored by 26 Asheville area faith-based communities, to provide safe and overnight accommodations and nourishing meals to twelve homeless women.”4 Approximately four times each year Jubilee! provides food and housing for these women with the help of 70 hands. Why are Jubilants so willingly ready to help? This question is answered by Jubilee! member Pam Raymond in her essay “How Much We Love.” She says, “We love…we love wildly and freely! We love the kind of love that is not afraid of dirty hands!” She goes on to say, “Radical love can change a life. Relentless love can change the world – one heart at a time. Keep on loving, Jubilee! that’s what is real.” Jubilee!’s drive to help make their community and world better stems from their perpetual love for all human beings.
The attitude of many Jubilants reminds one faintly of the ideas of the romantic poets such as Wordsworth and Coleridge both of who discuss the importance of human beings’ connection to nature in their writing. In Coleridge’s “Rime of the Ancient Mariner” the narrator talks about his discovery that even the slimy snakes in the sea are part of God’s creation. Likewise, Jubilants say “Even the beasts of the field and every creeping thing praises God, according to the psalms.”5 The Jubilant! church year is unique in its use of “the vias”, “used as a quarterly focus for worship[, there is] one via for each season: Summer—via positiva, Autumn—via negativa, Winter—via creativa, and Spring—via transformativa.”6 The purpose of the vias is to help create your own path of thinking and being while still giving you clear spiritual guidance. The vias are a path, not “THE path.”7 Via positiva is a celebration of yes. Summer is a positive “yes-like” season in the abundance of color and nature. Via negativa affirms that there is darkness in life and that darkness should be approached with courage.
Autumn represents this darkness, as life appears to be dying. Via creativa helps produce a creative time to go inside one-self. Winter is the season of creativity. Via transformativa represents positive change and fullness of life. Spring is a time of change as life is reborn anew.8 In a recent via transformativa celebration, the congregation sang a song about the earth of which Mimi Shackelford says, “After we sang this Howard [Hanger] suggested we imagine singing it to the planet—the moon, stars, earth, and flowers.” Jubilants feel a deep connection to nature. Members of Jubilee! can actively participate in “Earth Team” whose goal is “creating awareness of the interconnection of all things and sponsoring projects related to the environment or justice”9, but being part of the Jubilee! community is enough to help one realize nature’s great effect on and connection to humanity and foster a deep appreciation for the earth. Aliyah Schick says, “I believe that everything that exists is part of the whole, part of what we call sacred, part of what we call God. All that we know and encounter is expression of the sacred and contained within it. Things change form—we live in change, everything is constantly changing—but nothing just ends or stops existing. It transmutes to another form. Water becomes ice, a tree becomes compost, minerals become crystals, oil becomes heat; matter becomes energy and energy becomes matter. There is much more going on than we humans will ever begin to imagine, let alone understand. I have a powerful sense, deep in my bones, that all is well, whether I know the details or not.” Jubilants have come to realize that God is with you in nature and the closer we are to nature, the closer we are to God. (more…)
Tuesday, June 1st, 2010
